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Letter to Ni Yan
Verse 1
I asked myself a thousand times or more
Why did you run
why did you go
Four months by the sea someone new in your arms
Five years of mine
torn apart unharmed
I gave you everything I had to give
My whole heart
my life
the way I lived
We talked all night
we swore we’d never part
We ran to each other
with all of our hearts
But in the end it was your cost and gain
Turned all we had into a silly bitter thing
You wrote me down a list that day
Quiet careless lost naive afraid
I took it all
I wore the blame
For fifteen long lonely years by name
Was it ever true
The list you made to make me mute
You put me on trial
then slipped away
Left me to carry all the weight you couldn’t face
I loved too deep
you loved too weak
The door was closed
I just couldn’t see
I stood outside
while you pretended free
Now I know
it was never me
You said I’m quiet
I don’t know how to say
But I wrote you letters
froze in phone booths till my hands were gray
You said I’m careless
I didn’t get it right
But did you ever care how I cried all night
You said I’m passive I never took control
Did you ever ask
did you ever let me know
You said I’m spineless
I didn’t have a clue
I was just lost
not untrue to you
You called me childish for believing “always”and “soon”
While you chose someone mature
who only knew how to use you
That list was never meant to understand
It was just a wall to keep me from demanding
Was it ever true
The list you made to make me mute
You put me on trial
then slipped away
Left me to carry all the weight you couldn’t face
I loved too deep
you loved too weak
The door was closed
I just couldn’t see
I stood outside
while you pretended free
Now I know
it was never me
They told a secret I refused to believe
A door behind you I never got to see
You hid your past
you hid your truth
You let me think I was inside with you
I don’t blame you for the dark you held inside
I blame you for the lie that made me blind
Your tears that day they weren’t for me
They were for you
and what you’d never be
I don’t hate you
I don’t hurt no more
I’m giving back the weight I wore
You walked fast
I walked slow
I owe you nothing anymore
It was never true
The list you made to make me mute
I’m off the trial
I’m not your mistake
I’m giving back all the blame you couldn’t take
I loved too deep
you loved too weak
The door is gone
I’m finally free
I’m not the one you tried to make me be
Ni Yan we’re finally clean
Just two words now
no love no pain
Just my breath
free at last
free at last